i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
