Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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