You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
