the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
