i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
