Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
