I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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