a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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