I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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