Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
