he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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