You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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