when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
