I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I checked into jail on foursquare
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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