Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I touched a dick in church today
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
