I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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