My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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