Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
