a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
