i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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