i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker