Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
