We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
