my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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