my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
