Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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