Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Less talking, more tequila
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
