i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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