Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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