i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
