I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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