if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
