Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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