How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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