When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
