I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
