Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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