I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
