Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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