The maid of honor just puked.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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