remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
