I got chris browned last night
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
