I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
