i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
