The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
