You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
