I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
