i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
