Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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