did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
