I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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