just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
