If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
