wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
