I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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