Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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