you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
